Post Wedding Trauma
by Callisto Nicol
Summary: Three days after Sam's wedding. Out of ten mind-melded werewolves, you would think ONE of us would have seen this coming... Werewolf ONESHOT.


Sam had managed to go a full three days without phasing

The Uley-Young nuptials had taken place on Friday, and it was now Monday. We'd all attended. Claire's mom had let her sit with me, much to my joy. She'd taken to calling me Quilly. I needed to put a stop to it before any of the boys tried it; I could handle my Claire calling me silly names, but the first pack member who tried it was in for a serious tag-team battle (Embry would help me out…unless he initiated it, in which case I'd just call him Embryo and be done with it). Leah had even managed to be positively pleasant—her words, not mine—throughout the whole day. But we had been without Sam for an entire weekend, a first in La Push Werewolf society, and we needed (wanted (Paul wouldn't stop being trying to issue orders, despite Jacob's presence)) guidance from our Alpha, so we were all in the process of gathering at Sam's. Leah was the only one yet to show.

Sam had managed to go a full three days without phasing. It was impressive. Until now, none of us had managed more than a day, and that included Mr. I'm-a-Natural-and-Vastly-Superior-at-This Jacob.

_Can't wait for Sam,_ Paul thought. _I'm gonna rag him from now 'til the next century! The first Wolf to get laid!_

_Be careful what you think of Emily or he might eat your face,_ Seth cautioned.

_Pah,_ Paul scoffed.

_Seth's right,_ Leah joined the conversation, freshly phased; she'd be with us in minutes. She sent an image of Sam knocking some kid to the ground at the School and the ensuing fight. It was Sam's last year in high school. _All that junior did was say I had a fine ass. Not sure if it was the comment, the language, Sam approaching phasing for the first time or the fact that I was standing right there that set him off._

Seth's laugh rang in a shocked silence of thought. Had Leah really just been, dare I think it, almost personable?

_I have the ability to be nice, Quil, _Leah snapped. _Anyone makes another comment about me and I'll start thinking, in great detail, of my last period._ We shared a collective wince. There were some serious major downsides to having a female in the pack, and Leah used every one of them to her full advantage.

_Will Sam just hurry up already?_ Paul growled, trying not to give in to his irritation at Leah.

_Let's give him some incentive,_ Jared suggested and promptly started barking…Jingle Bells? Embry and Collin howled with laughter while the rest of us (minus Leah) joined Jared. Leah tried to hide her amusement behind disgust, but part of sharing a mind made that rather difficult. Seth, without pausing his musical barks, nudged her with his nose until she gave in and joined us. I have her a mental high five. She rolled her eyes.

Sam's door opened and out he came, starkers. Leah growled, but didn't bother turning around. It would do her no good with the rest of us looking. The joys of a shared mind. "I was doing pretty good at ignoring you mongrels until Leah joined in. I should have you all muzzled." Sam sighed. "Any chance this can wait a few hours?"

All nine of us thumped the ground repeatedly with our tails. It was hard going three days without the Alpha.

_Great_, groused Leah as Sam began to phase, _here comes an in-depth look at Emily's body._

_She's too important to Sam,_ Jacob replied. _He'll avoid thinking of her at all—_

The pain. The joy. The pleasure. Damn Sam, damn him to Hell! I felt violated! We ALL felt violated! The sweat, the heat, the feel of Emily's body, curves—

I've never seen ten werewolves phase to human so fast.

We all spoke at the same time.

"My eyes, my eyes!"

"My innocence is gone forever!"

"Damn! And I thought Jacob had graphic thoughts of Bella!"

"Kimkimkimkimkimkimkim…"

"HELL'S BELLS, SAM, IF I COULD MOVE I'D DECK YOU!"

"I can't honestly tell my mom I'm still innocent!"

"Sorry, sorry, I'm so _sorry"_

"I _never_ want to think of Claire around you again."

"The effectively cured my longing for a leech."

But it was Leah that made us freeze: "I never in my _life_ wanted to experience sex as a man!"

There was an uncomfortable silence before Seth ventured to say (cautiously), "You've never experienced it as a woman."

"And now I'm scarred for life! SHE'S LIKE MY SISTER, ULEY!"

"I know," Sam moaned. "I feel like I violated her trust."

"HER trust?!" Collin yelled. "I'M barely fourteen! I'll never trust an adult again!"

There was a moment of silence as we all lay there panting. I was horrified. Would this happen to me and Claire fifteen years down the road? Holy hell, would we go through this _every time_ someone had sex? Would we go through this the _next_ timed we phased? How illegal was it to mutilate Sam's mind?

"How am I supposed to tell Kim I know what it's like to sleep with Emily?" Jared moaned, trying to gash his eyes out.

"I _never_ want to hear you say that again," Sam said hoarsely.

"I never want to say it again!"

"Then don't," Paul snapped. "Don't tell Kim and we won't have to deal with your depression when she turns you away."

"You don't understand. One look at her and it'll all spill out. I can't keep secrets from her! She knows _everything_!"

"Quil, don't you ever think about Claire this way!" Embry said. "She's three! _Three! _ I can't handle it!"

"Better idea," said Brady. "Vow of celibacy, all of us, right here, right now!"

Seven voices agreed. Sam, Jared and I said nothing. How could we? We'd imprinted. One look from Emily, one request from Kim, one touch from Claire (in twenty years or so) and we'd be putty in their hands. Forget feminine wiles—Claire could grow an extra arm and chest hair and I would still jump her (in 30 years, when I felt _that way_ about her).

"Better better idea," Jacob said. "Kill Sam now, then douse our brains in bleach."

"Hear, hear!"

"Do it!"

"BLOODY HELL WOMAN, PUT SOME CLOTHES ON!" At first I thought Sam was talking to Emily, but she wasn't outside and that wasn't Sam's voice. It was Paul's and he was rolling away from Leah.

"You've seen me naked before and it hasn't bothered you. YOU call me the Anti-Woman."

"That was before I had graphic images of sex in my head. Of my own free will I'd _never_ touch you, but if you come any closer I'll jump your bones, be even _more_ violated, AND rot in Hell for eternity."

We all rolled away from Leah, except Seth, who rolled over to Paul and hit him. "That's my sister, you—"

Paul hit back before Seth finished speaking. Brady and Collin jumped up to defend their friend, hitting Jared and Embry on accident, bringing me and Jacob in on the fight, and Sam had to defend Leah's honor…

That was how Emily and Leah (both fully dressed, praise God and all His holy angels) ended up spraying nine werewolves with the Uley's high powered garden hose. Now we were naked _and_ wet.

"If you are done and would like to cover yourselves, I'm making pancakes," Emily said calmly.

Paul whirled on Sam. "You two are _never_ allowed to _do it_ in the kitchen. We eat in there!"

Emily sprayed Paul with the hose. "Watch your mouth," she said, still perfectly (scarily) calm. "Since you all share a mind, you are privy to things you'd otherwise never be exposed to. Be respectful. One day it will happen to you. Apparently none of you considered the consequences of a marriage relationship and were therefore not prepared. Prepare yourselves now and be ready to act like adults the next time you phase." Dropping the house, she turned and re-entered the house. None of us moved.

"Oh, so I have to get dressed while the rest of you run around in your birthday suits?" Leah snapped. "Damn sexists." She entered the house behind Emily. How could she handle being anywhere near Emily, AND ALONE, after being exposed to Sam's mind? It honestly scared me.

"Breakfast, anyone?" Sam offered weakly, attempting to break our uncomfortable existence.

"It burns us, precious!" Collin yelled. He got a sharp rap on the head from Sam.

"Can't," Paul shook his head. "I feel the need to find a priest and cleanse my soul."

Jared snorted. "Ten says you haven't seen the inside of a Church since you were twelve."

"Not taking a bet I know I'm going to lose," Embry said. We all laughed, even Paul.

"I'm with Paul," Collin said. "My soul is in trouble."

"Mine, too," Brady agreed.

"My relationship is in trouble," Jared said, "and Kim doesn't even know it yet. I'm going to grovel and hopefully gain forgiveness before she finds out my sin." He left.

"_I'm_ going to patrol," Jacob, Embry and I spoke simultaneously. We shared a grin; even after turning into giant wolves and sharing a mind with seven others, we three were still uniquely close.

"Seth?" Sam asked. The boy (who looked nothing like a boy) stared wide-eyed at Sam. "Seth?"

"You—you—you—I—we're—"

"Seth, just spit it out."

"We're related! She's my cousin! That's my sister! OH MY EYES!"

"Seth!" Sam barked.

"I need to douse my brain with bleach."

He wasn't the only one…

Sam rubbed his eyes. "I'm never going to live this down."

"No, never," Jacob said, clapping Sam on the back. "But at least Jared will join you soon and then you can both suffer."

"You mean then we can all suffer all over again," Embry said. "C'mon boys, let's patrol."

I was nervous to phase, but we were all trying so hard not to think of Sam and Emily (Embry tried singing the Batman theme song) that it was okay.

_Well_, Jacob thought, _We're in for an interesting future._

I couldn't help but let my thoughts stray to my darling little Claire…

_DON'T EVEN GO THERE, ATEARA! _both of my friends yelled.

_But I wasn't even thinking of her like that! She's three!_

_Just—just don't!_ Embry growled, _or I'll do you in right here, right now._

Holy hell, I was never going to make it until she grew up.


End file.
